Episode Transcript
[00:00:07] Welcome to Queers Against Diet Culture, the podcast where we unlearn toxic food rules and reclaim our bodies. I'm Raya, a queer anti diet coach and your guide to healing your relationship with food and your body in a world that profits off our self hate. We're not here to shrink, we're here to take up space. So let's get into it.
[00:00:27] Welcome back everyone.
[00:00:29] We are coming to the end of January and I hope the first month of this year has been treating everybody well.
[00:00:38] But today I'm gonna just jump straight into it. So we're gonna be talking about beauty.
[00:00:45] Not in the glossy Instagram, drink more water and love yourself kind of way. We're talking about the beauty standards most of us were raised inside of.
[00:00:58] Standards that were never actually designed for us.
[00:01:03] Standards rooted in cisness and heterosexuality and whiteness and thinness and ableism and control.
[00:01:14] So if your body, your gender expression, or your refusal to fit neatly into a box ever made you feel like you were wrong or less than anyone else, I want you to know that that is not a personal failing.
[00:01:33] You feel that way because of very specific systems that have been put into place.
[00:01:40] And it doesn't mean that you haven't healed enough.
[00:01:43] It just means that you're trying to measure yourself up against standards that are simply unreachable.
[00:01:51] So this episode isn't going to be a guide on fixing your self esteem, but what it will be about is understanding where beauty ideals come from, who they are meant to serve, and why queer folks have to negotiate their visibility in order to stay safe. Then we're going to talk about what becomes possible when we stop trying to reach these unreachable standards and ask ourselves what beauty actually looks like for each of us.
[00:02:30] But before we get too far into the episode, I want to talk about the tarot card that I pulled. The card that I pulled for this episode is the Ace of Swords. And honestly, I'm so excited about this card. It feels so incredibly aligned with this episode.
[00:02:50] The Ace of Swords is all about clarity. It's when you suddenly see the truth of a situation with clear eyes, without any fog, without any noise.
[00:03:04] It's new mental energy, new understanding, a breakthrough in the way you've been taught to think.
[00:03:14] And that feels so incredibly relevant when we're talking about beauty standards that were made for us.
[00:03:24] So many of us have spent our lives drowning in ideas about beauty that we never consented to.
[00:03:32] Ideas that were rooted in cis normativity and heteronormativity, whiteness, thinness and rigid Gender rules, and the Ace of Swords shows up when you're ready to question those ideas instead of automatically accepting them.
[00:03:53] This card is also about mental expansion, being open to new ways of thinking, letting yourself learn, unlearn, and then relearn again.
[00:04:07] And that's exactly what this episode is an invitation into.
[00:04:12] Not to replace one set of rules with another, but to clear away the mental clutter so you can hear your own truth more clearly.
[00:04:24] But the Ace of Swords comes with a reminder that the sword is a double edged blade.
[00:04:31] Clarity is powerful, but with power comes responsibility.
[00:04:37] Once you see the truth, you can't unsee it.
[00:04:42] And the question becomes, how do you use that clarity? Do you turn it inward with compassion?
[00:04:49] Do you use it to advocate for yourself, for your body, for your community?
[00:04:56] And that being said, this card also speaks to justice, to standing up and to naming harm, to being willing to recognize and fight against the system that you're realizing isn't neutral and it isn't harmless.
[00:05:16] And that's very much the energy we're stepping into today.
[00:05:22] So as we move through this episode, I want you to take the Ace of Swords as an invitation.
[00:05:30] Not to judge yourself for what you've internalized, but to gently cut through what was never yours to carry in the first place.
[00:05:43] And with that clarity in mind, let's talk about the beauty standards we were handed and why so many of us were never meant to fit inside them.
[00:05:57] So when we talk about the CIS hetero beauty standard, we aren't just talking about looking thin and pretty.
[00:06:05] It's a specific worldview about bodies, gender desirability and Worth it centers cisgender bodies and heterosexual desirability as the norm.
[00:06:24] And it centers whiteness and youth and able bodiedness and thinness and binary gender expression as well as a performance of masculinity or femininity that's obvious, familiar and seemingly non threatening.
[00:06:46] And if you exist outside of this, you're not taken seriously in the world. You're kind of seen as a threat to this system that tries to control everyone.
[00:06:58] The standard assumes several different things. One of them is that women should be desirable to men.
[00:07:07] Another is that men should be strong and contained and unemotional.
[00:07:14] It also assumes that bodies should signal gender clearly and immediately, and that beauty should be effortless. But in reality, we all know that beauty requires an immense amount of labor.
[00:07:31] Even though this standard seems to be only talking about cisgender heterosexual bodies, it doesn't exclude queer bodies. In fact, it's actually stricter and a lot more intense for queer Folks, And I think that's because the further you stray away from the norm, the harder society pushes back on you to try to keep you in line.
[00:07:55] But these standards are rooted in white supremacy, power, patriarchy, capitalism, homophobia, transphobia, basically every oppressive system you can possibly think of. And it dictates how you look and how you dress, how you behave and how you live your life.
[00:08:17] Because if you adhere to it, it makes it easier to move through the world.
[00:08:23] And it isn't something that we were just taught once it our lives and it just stuck. It's constantly reinforced throughout our lives through media and wellness culture, dating apps, medical systems, fashion.
[00:08:39] And honestly, even some body positive spaces still center thin white CIS bodies.
[00:08:48] So now that we've talked about what the standard is and where it comes from, let's talk about how these standards harm queer folks. Specifically, because body dysphoria, eating disorders and other mental illnesses are significantly higher among people within the queer community, queer and trans people tend to already have higher levels of stress compared to lots of other groups of people.
[00:09:16] This might be from societal discrimination, poor prejudice, internalized shame, or feeling disconnected from society in general.
[00:09:27] And if you hold multiple marginalized identities that stress compounds, we're told that being different is simply not acceptable.
[00:09:38] So we start to blend in to avoid being discriminated against.
[00:09:43] And blending in isn't always about wanting to meet society's standards.
[00:09:49] A lot of the time people do it to avoid being criticized or being targeted.
[00:09:55] It becomes a form of protection and survival.
[00:10:00] Even within health care and housing and job opportunities and education, there are standards that align with cisheteronormative ideals like dress codes. And if you don't fit these cishet ideals, you can be refused access to any of them.
[00:10:20] And honestly, it's way worse for black, brown and indigenous folks and people with visible disabilities.
[00:10:29] Trans and intersex folks disproportionately face pressures around body image. Compared to anyone else part of the LGBTQIA community, there's added pressures to be CIS passing because if they're not, they're more likely to be harassed.
[00:10:47] And there's limited representation in media. And when there is, it's always white Eurocentric ideals and non binary and agender people are so commonly erased in society because people refuse to accept or learn about anything other than man or woman.
[00:11:09] But let's talk about what it looks like specifically within queer communities, because this doesn't just happen within straight spaces. Even within our own community, we still have these pressures to look gay enough or look trans enough, or to look androgynous enough.
[00:11:28] And when you say bi or masc or femme or transmasc or trans femme or non, binary or twink or bare, most people, if not everyone, has a very specific image in their mind of what each of those are supposed to look look like.
[00:11:46] And yes, those are stereotypes. But we very much still uphold these standards within the queer community. And there's very little tolerance for anything in between or for anything different.
[00:11:59] So even within queer spaces, we're still upholding a level of CIS heteronormativity.
[00:12:06] And even though it's not our fault that we learned this, it is our responsibility to move past it, to move to something greater, to be accepting of all queer folks, even if they don't meet a stereotypical mold of what they're supposed to be.
[00:12:27] And because we have these standards within the queer community, and we also have these standards within straight spaces as well, we start to conform as a way to survive and to be accepted.
[00:12:42] But even though it's safer to conform, it still causes us to be disconnected from ourselves.
[00:12:49] We start to internalize shame.
[00:12:52] We start to believe that acceptance is conditional.
[00:12:56] And this is where gender and body dysphoria start to grow and where a lot of poor mental and physical health stems from.
[00:13:06] And even though we know that it's harmful, it's still inside of us. We still internalize it. Our nervous system has learned it as the truth.
[00:13:16] So we start to police our own bodies and our presentations.
[00:13:20] We start to shame ourselves when we want validation, and we criticize ourselves for not being normal enough or not being queer enough.
[00:13:30] And we start to internalize homophobia and fatphobia.
[00:13:35] But it can also make us feel conflicted when we do conform and receive safety or praise.
[00:13:43] So let's talk about why unlearning these beauty standards feels so hard.
[00:13:50] Because it's not just about unlearning harmful beliefs. It's about letting go of the future that you've imagined for yourself, even if that future was built on other people's expectations of you.
[00:14:05] It's also about letting go of a certain level of safety that you only had with conformity, and letting go of the expectation that if you're able to just get it right, that life would be easier.
[00:14:18] Because, let's be real. Pretending to be someone you're not is actually way harder.
[00:14:24] But beauty standards feel seductive in a way. It tells you that if you perform correctly, you'll be protected.
[00:14:35] So unlearning this means realizing that protection was never actually guaranteed in the first place.
[00:14:43] And unlearning these Beauty standards also brings up some fears.
[00:14:47] It's fears of being seen. It's fears of rejection, fears of losing desirability or a sense of belonging.
[00:14:57] And even if you overcome these fears at some point in the learning process, they might still come up from time to time, because unlearning isn't linear. You're not going to have everything figured out right away.
[00:15:12] But even though it's so hard to unlearn these beauty rules, it's important to remember why they're so harmful.
[00:15:21] They're not accidental. They're built to maintain gender binaries and reinforce white supremacy and uphold capitalism by creating never ending dissatisfaction and keeping marginalized people focused on trying to fix themselves rather than questioning the systems.
[00:15:43] We live in a society that's built on hierarchy and oppression and conformity.
[00:15:48] Beauty culture is designed to keep people busy with counting calories and buying products and correcting your perceived flaws instead of resting, organizing, or imagining something different.
[00:16:04] So let's talk about how you can accept yourself for who you truly are and be able to define beauty on your own terms.
[00:16:13] And we're not talking about rejecting aesthetics or presentation altogether.
[00:16:18] We're talking about separating beauty from worth and safety.
[00:16:23] But honestly, reclaiming beauty isn't a requirement.
[00:16:27] Just stepping away from beauty culture entirely can feel incredibly liberating.
[00:16:33] And to be totally honest, I'm one of those people that have kind of rejected beauty culture entirely. But I have so much respect and admiration for those who have been able to reclaim and redefine beauty on their own terms.
[00:16:47] But with that, you can take everything I say with a grain of salt. But I am still going to give you some suggestions on how to reclaim beauty on your own terms.
[00:16:59] So in doing this, I would focus on being playful instead of punishing, and focusing on expressiveness instead of trying to correct your flaws.
[00:17:12] So the first tip I have is dressing for sensation rather than appearance.
[00:17:20] Finding fabric textures that you like, things that are soft or silky, and experimenting with clothes that are flowy or clothes that are tight. Seeing what you feel better in.
[00:17:31] Ask yourself, how do I feel in this? Rather than how do I look?
[00:17:38] Tip number two is exploring gender expression without it needing to make sense.
[00:17:45] We're always expected to be masculine or feminine. We're supposed to pick one and stay there.
[00:17:52] But are gender expressions allowed to be fluid and contradictory and playful, or even unfinished?
[00:18:01] Tip number three is finding beauty in community, creativity and care.
[00:18:09] Mainstream beauty isolates us. It teaches us that beauty is individual and competitive. But it doesn't have to be like that. Beauty also shows up in shared laughter and collective creativity and connecting with your chosen family.
[00:18:27] So let beauty be something that happens between us, not just individually.
[00:18:35] And tip number four is allowing your body to change without moral judgment.
[00:18:43] This is probably the hardest tip, but honestly the most liberating.
[00:18:48] Our bodies change constantly with age, hormones, stress, healing, life transitions, recovery from disorders or physical injury or addiction and sickness, joy or grief.
[00:19:07] Cishet beauty standards treat change as failure, especially when it moves away from thinness, youth or gender conformity.
[00:19:17] So it's important to remind yourself that you don't have to attach any meaning to your body's changes.
[00:19:24] Your body evolving doesn't mean anything is wrong with you. It just means you're a living, breathing human being.
[00:19:34] And lastly, tip number five is learn to block out other people's opinions.
[00:19:40] And I know that's easier said than done because when you start to embrace who you are and start to reject beauty culture or redefine it, there may be an increase in the level of judgment that you experience.
[00:19:55] But regardless of that, it's so much more empowering.
[00:20:01] So some ways that you can do this are simply ignoring people, which I know, again, easier said than done.
[00:20:09] You can try to deflect it before it happens. If you're talking to someone that you know commonly makes comments, you can say affirmations and honestly surround yourself with people who hype you up. You'd be surprised how much that changes how you feel about yourself.
[00:20:30] Just keep leaning into it. It takes time, it's going to get easier and you're going to feel more comfortable.
[00:20:38] But ultimately what I would like, what I think all of us would like, would be a systemic change. There needs to be change at the government level.
[00:20:47] We need to have increased access to affirming, anti diet, weight inclusive, intersectional, anti oppressive support.
[00:20:57] Medical professionals need to be educated on person centered care that doesn't pathologize queer and trans identities and they don't focus on weight or race.
[00:21:09] And I know this is not where our society is at, especially here in the United States, but at the very least we can start on an individual level.
[00:21:20] The more we allow ourselves to be truly and authentically ourselves, it also allows other people to do the same. It has a ripple effect.
[00:21:33] So redefining beauty and being your most authentic self makes more change than you realize.
[00:21:41] But as we start to close out today's episode, I want to come back to the Ace of Swords.
[00:21:49] Because this card doesn't just open conversations, it asks us what we're going to do with the clarity we've gained.
[00:21:59] It reminds us that once we see something clearly, we can't unsee it.
[00:22:05] Once we recognize that so many beauty standards were never made for us and never meant to hold our bodies, our gender, our expressions, our softness, or our sharpness, the illusion starts to crack.
[00:22:20] And that clarity is so powerful, but it's also so tender.
[00:22:27] And this card tells us that truth cuts both ways.
[00:22:32] It's that double edged blade. It can be freeing, but it can also be destabilizing when you realize you've been measuring yourself against a standard that was never yours to meet. There can be grief there, or anger, or relief, and all of it is valid.
[00:22:54] So the ace of swords asks us to use our clarity with care.
[00:22:59] Not to turn it inward as another weapon against ourselves, but to let it carve out space.
[00:23:07] Space to question things that don't make sense.
[00:23:11] Space to opt out of things.
[00:23:14] Space to decide what beauty means to you, not what you were taught it should mean.
[00:23:21] And it isn't about having everything figured out. Aces are beginnings.
[00:23:26] You're at the start of a new way of seeing your body and your identity and your worth with more honesty and less distortion.
[00:23:39] And maybe the most radical thing this card invites us to do is to keep choosing truth over punishment, curiosity over compliance and self trust over standards that were never built with us in mind.
[00:24:00] You don't need to fight every battle today, but you are allowed to stop fighting yourself.
[00:24:08] Let this clarity be something that supports you, not something that demands perfection.
[00:24:18] Now, I want to leave you with a few journal prompts to sit with. You don't have to answer them all if you don't want to.
[00:24:24] Maybe just pick the ones that feel the least scary.
[00:24:30] 1. When did I first learn what was considered beautiful and who did I learn it from?
[00:24:37] 2.
[00:24:38] Which beauty standards have I been trying to meet that were never designed for my body or my identity?
[00:24:45] And three when do I feel the most like myself?
[00:24:55] Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Queers Against Diet Culture. Don't forget to rate, subscribe and share this podcast. Until next time, Remember, carbs are not the enemy and neither is your beautiful body. See you next week.
