Episode Transcript
[00:00:07] Welcome to Queers Against Diet Culture, the podcast where we unlearn toxic food rules and reclaim our bodies. I'm Raya, a queer anti diet coach and your guide to healing your relationship with food and your body in a world that profits off our self hate. We're not here to shrink, we're here to take up space. So let's get into it.
[00:00:27] Hello, hello. Welcome back everyone.
[00:00:30] I hope everyone has been making it through the holidays okay. Hopefully you've been able to implement some of the strategies and boundaries that we were talking about in the last episode.
[00:00:42] But in this episode, we're going to be talking about queer hunger and how it is deeply intertwined with identity.
[00:00:52] And when we're talking about hunger today, we're not just going to be talking about food because, yes, that is the basis of it, but so much builds off of that.
[00:01:04] For queer folks, hunger becomes this metaphor for unmet needs that didn't feel safe to express.
[00:01:13] Hunger is inherently vulnerable. Whether it's hunger for food or hunger for love or connection, or hunger for rest, it can feel unsafe to express those things, especially if you grew up in an environment where that was unsafe.
[00:01:30] So we're going to talk about how queerness and appetite and body image all intersect.
[00:01:36] And we're going to be talking about physical hunger, hunger for safety, hunger for validation and belonging, for identity and self acceptance, hunger for pleasure.
[00:01:48] And then we're going to talk about how we learn or are taught to silence these needs, but also how we can reclaim fullness in all its forms.
[00:02:01] Okay, before we dive into this episode, I pulled a card for us. The card that came forward for this conversation is the eight of Pentacles reversed. And honestly, that could not be more on theme for an episode about queer hunger.
[00:02:20] Upright the eight of Pentacles is the energy of practicing and refining and mastering your craft. Like steady, focused dedication.
[00:02:32] But in reverse, it shifts inward. It becomes this mirror about self improvement over effort and the places where we're working so hard to fix ourselves that we forget that we were never broken to begin with.
[00:02:50] And this card makes so much sense for queer folks because so many of us grew up believing that the only way to stay safe was to become, well, perfect, perfectly behaved, perfectly acceptable, perfectly neutral, perfectly self sufficient and not dependent on anyone else.
[00:03:13] Perfectly masked.
[00:03:15] We learned to grind ourselves down until we were smooth enough to blend in.
[00:03:22] The reversed 8 of pentacles shows up when you've been doing so much inner work, like personal development, healing, trying to understand your patterns, trying to show up as your best self while Maybe putting a little too much pressure on yourself.
[00:03:42] It also speaks to those moments where we're obsessing over tiny details, micro controlling every part of ourselves, and we forget the bigger picture, why we're doing any of this, what we're longing for, what we're hungry for.
[00:04:01] This episode is literally about the hungers queer folks are taught to mute.
[00:04:07] Physical hunger, emotional hunger, relational hunger, erotic hunger, hunger for identity, hunger for belonging.
[00:04:16] And the reversed eight of Pentacles basically says you've been improving yourself but not feeding yourself.
[00:04:24] One more thing this card brings up is the fear that you're working so hard but not seeing any results.
[00:04:34] Feeling like you're doing everything right and still not getting where you want. And wow, does that hit when we're talking about restriction, perfectionism, and trying to take up less space.
[00:04:49] So this card is inviting us to step back, to zoom out, to stop grinding ourselves down into something we were never meant to be, to let ourselves be a work in progress, not perfection.
[00:05:07] And honestly, that's the perfect place to begin. Because if this reversed 8 of pentacles is showing us the pressure to be perfect, then the antidote is remembering the fact that queerness itself is abundance.
[00:05:24] So let's start right here.
[00:05:27] Queerness itself is already fullness.
[00:05:31] So many queer kids grow up not feeling safe in their environments that we build these rich inner worlds.
[00:05:41] These inner worlds often held the earliest versions of desire and softness and creativity and self expression and identity, each even if we didn't show them on the outside.
[00:05:56] As we get older and we start to explore our queerness, we start to realize how creative and emotional and imaginative and expressive we can be with ourselves, with our identity.
[00:06:10] Our identities are rooted in possibility, but still we've absorbed these messages from early on that we should be shrinking.
[00:06:21] Heteronormativity and conformity Expect that everyone is the same as each other. Nobody can be unique.
[00:06:30] We're told to tone it down, to not talk like that, don't dress like that, don't be dramatic, don't take up space, don't make people uncomfortable, don't make things about you.
[00:06:44] We're constantly conditioned to not make anything about ourselves, to just blend in with everybody else.
[00:06:52] Assimilating becomes a form of safety. If we're agreeable and polite, then we're not difficult.
[00:06:59] These messages aren't usually said directly, but we absorb them through our environments.
[00:07:06] We've been told that we're too sensitive, too dramatic, too emotional, too intense, too sexual, too expressive, too confusing, but having to mask our entire identity for our entire lives. Has a huge impact on our nervous system. It expends a ridiculous amount of energy and can create chronic exhaustion. It makes us hyper vigilant. We're constantly scanning for danger. It makes it difficult for us to be able to rest.
[00:07:43] It prevents us from being able to label what our needs are.
[00:07:47] We assume that every person around us is unsafe until they can prove to us that they're a safe person.
[00:07:56] It's that chronic anxiety and irritability and part of what makes all of us feel so burnt out all the time and sort of be in this constant state of dissociation.
[00:08:09] We constantly suppress who we are. We're taught to believe that having needs puts us in danger. If your identity was labeled as too much, your hunger didn't stand a chance of ever feeling safe. And when your identity has to shrink, your body usually gets pulled into that shrinking too.
[00:08:32] There are so many parallels between shrinking your identity and shrinking your body.
[00:08:38] When self expression doesn't feel safe, it becomes a coping mechanism to make yourself small. Whether that's literal or figurative.
[00:08:47] The smaller we are, the safer we are. The quieter we are. The safer we are. The less we need, the safer we are. But because to a certain extent, our bodies are part of our identities, we try to become less noticeable.
[00:09:03] We try to blend in by wearing neutral clothes. Maybe wearing tight clothes to make yourself feel smaller. Or it can also look like wearing baggy clothes to try to hide all of the imperfections of your body. This can also look like adjusting your posture to make yourself seem less feminine or less masculine. Or just in general, try to make yourself seem smaller.
[00:09:31] You might avoid certain movements that feel natural to you.
[00:09:36] You might change the way your voice sounds when you talk to people who don't feel safe. Many queer kids grew up in homes that had really rigid food rules. Maybe your parents were constantly paying attention to how much or how little you were eating.
[00:09:54] Maybe you come from a family where emotions just simply aren't talked about.
[00:09:59] Or possibly going to a school where everyone's bodies were constantly judged, whether that's by teachers or the kids around you.
[00:10:07] And honestly, a lot of queer kids grow up in religious homes too, where there's so much shame around any form of desire.
[00:10:16] Growing up in these types of environments creates suppression of all forms of hunger before we even understand our queerness.
[00:10:25] And it can create this constant fear of being judged.
[00:10:29] It also causes us to have a distrust of our hunger, even if we don't realize it. Every time we feel hungry, we can't tell if it's something that we actually need or if it's something that we're just being dramatic about.
[00:10:46] We worry that if we eat something specific, the people around us might judge us.
[00:10:52] If we show any form of desire, we'll get hurt. Any form of hunger feels like evidence that you're too much.
[00:11:02] And ultimately this can turn into people pleasing.
[00:11:06] We might start to adjust our wants and our needs based on what other people's wants and needs around us are. We might only eat the things that won't cause people to comment on what we're eating.
[00:11:22] Maybe we avoid foods that draw attention to us.
[00:11:26] A lot of the time we want to make sure we're not inconveniencing other people. So we'll just do what makes other people happy.
[00:11:34] So when we talk about hunger, it's not just one kind. Queer people learn to silence multiple layers of hunger.
[00:11:44] So let's talk about the four types of hungers that we typically silence.
[00:11:50] The first one is bodily hunger. Then there's emotional hunger. There's hunger around sex and pleasure, and then there's hunger for belonging.
[00:12:01] So let's start with bodily hunger. A lot of queer folks will restrict how much or how often they eat as a form of safety. If you have a smaller body, you become less visible.
[00:12:14] Eating less becomes a form of control and discipline.
[00:12:19] A smaller body can feel safer and quieter and less risky.
[00:12:24] This can also look like avoiding eating around certain people, particularly unsafe people.
[00:12:32] This might be a fear of people commenting on what you're eating or a fear of being watched.
[00:12:39] This can also look like masking your sensory needs. There's a lot of overlap between being neurodivergent and being queer.
[00:12:48] So sometimes we might eat what feels acceptable rather than what works for your own sensory needs.
[00:12:55] You might avoid your safe foods in order to avoid people commenting or judging. This could be eating foods with certain textures or smells or temperatures that you are sensitive to to try to fit in.
[00:13:11] As time goes on, the more we silence our bodily hunger, we start to become disconnected from our body's cues, from our hunger cues, from our fullness cues, our satisfaction cues.
[00:13:25] Our body starts to not be able to tell the difference between anxiety or hunger.
[00:13:32] A lot of the time. Our body gives us certain cues to let us know that we're hungry before we actually feel it in our stomach. And if we're not paying attention and we don't notice those cues and eat when those cues start to show up, then our body will stop giving us cues altogether because we're not listening to it, then there's emotional hunger. Queer People often grow up receiving messages that their emotional needs are excessive. If you want affection, you're seen as clingy. If you want reassurance, you're seen as attention seeking. If you want support, you're seen as dramatic.
[00:14:11] So a lot of queer folks become hyper independent at a really early age.
[00:14:16] It becomes this belief that needing nothing is actually the safest option. Having any form of feelings feels unsafe. So you start to suppress it. You internalize it as a flaw rather than a normal human experience.
[00:14:33] Not wanting to burden others with your emotions.
[00:14:38] Then there's hunger for sex and pleasure. We're conditioned from a really young age to believe that having any form of desire, especially queer specific desire, is wrong or it's dangerous.
[00:14:54] It makes it scary to try to discover what our desires are. And I understand that a lot of people are trying to shelter or shield young kids from sex and stuff like that. But when we're taught that these things are shameful as kids, we don't just unlearn that shaming Once we turn 18, we a lot of the time carry it with us the rest of our lives, unless we're able to unlearn that somehow. So this teaches us to police our pleasure, to try to not discover the things that we like, to not ask for the things that we want. It seems risky and scary, so it makes us avoid any form of desire entirely. And we become disconnected from from our erotic selves.
[00:15:43] And then the last form of hunger is hunger for belonging. Belonging is one of the deepest human hungers.
[00:15:51] And for queer people it's often the most complicated. We feel unsafe in straight spaces because straight spaces require us to be self policing and to try to blend in for the sake of safety. We start to mute our self expression when we're around primarily straight people because we don't know if it's safe to be ourselves.
[00:16:16] But even within queer spaces, there can still be insecurities there. We might still feel like we're not queer enough because we don't fit into stereotypical molds of what queerness is supposed to look like.
[00:16:30] And because we don't fit into straight spaces and we're struggling to fit into queer spaces, we start to contort ourselves to try to fit in. We might find ourselves altering our interests or our presentation to try to fit in. We might adapt ourselves endlessly losing track of who we really are.
[00:16:56] Identity can be a form of performance rather than just being who we are. And it might shift based on our environment.
[00:17:06] This creates a chronic sense of no space, feeling entirely safe.
[00:17:12] So if Hunger has been silenced in all of these ways. The next question is, how do we take it back?
[00:17:21] So the first way we can take our hunger back is by reconnecting with our bodily hunger. Making sure that you're eating consistently, having regular meals and snacks available at all times.
[00:17:34] And that can mean having prepackaged foods or things that you can just eat without having to cook on hand at all times.
[00:17:42] Make sure that you don't wait until you're feeling shaky to feed yourself.
[00:17:48] And if you only have foods in your house that have to be cooked, that can feel impossible.
[00:17:55] It's also important that you eat foods that are actually enjoyable to you, not just foods that are deemed acceptable by society.
[00:18:05] Taste is incredibly important.
[00:18:08] Enjoying your food actually matters. If you eat foods that you like, it increases your satisfaction, and it actually decreases your desire to compulsively eat. It's also important to neutralize food. Food is just food. There's no good food versus bad food or healthy versus unhealthy. Take away the morality around it.
[00:18:32] You can notice how certain foods make you feel both during and after eating them. But don't pick foods based off of what you think is healthy and avoiding foods that you think is unhealthy. Doing those things will help you be able to trust your body's cues again. But it's also important that you actually pay attention to the cues. Pay attention to the sensations that you're feeling in your body.
[00:18:57] Start to recognize the early cues that your body gives you when it's feeling hunger.
[00:19:03] So that might be fatigue or irritability or a sense of emptiness.
[00:19:10] Once you start to feel those things, feed yourself. Because the more you feed yourself, once those early cues are there, your body will know that it can trust you, and it can start giving you the cues when it needs to. You'll start to rebuild trust with your body.
[00:19:26] You can also take hunger back by reclaiming desire and pleasure.
[00:19:32] Pleasure is a form of resistance, especially in a world that teaches marginalized people to prioritize survival over joy. You can reintroduce pleasure with small sensory experiences that increase safety. This can be warm drinks, soft textures, scents that you love.
[00:19:56] This helps your body relearn that pleasure is not threatening.
[00:20:01] Desire is a source of aliveness.
[00:20:05] Then you can also practice wanting things.
[00:20:09] Start small, like deciding on something to drink, choosing the music that you want to listen to, especially if you're with another person, or picking a show to watch. Again, especially if you're with another person. It's easier to make those decisions when you're by yourself. But a lot of us don't want to inconvenience others.
[00:20:30] So start practicing with these small things. Then move up to medium level wants. This can be picking a restaurant to eat at, being the one to decide on plans with a friend, or asking for something that will make you more comfortable.
[00:20:49] Don't worry about inconveniencing others.
[00:20:52] Your wants are just as important as theirs are.
[00:20:56] Then once you feel comfortable with those, move up to bigger wants. This is setting boundaries. This is resting when your body is telling you that it's tired and asking for things that you need from other people, whether it's romantic relationships or platonic relationships.
[00:21:15] Slowly build up your capacity to feel safe wanting things.
[00:21:20] But notice how your system reacts when you make these wants. Because it can feel like your chest tightening. Maybe your heart rate is increasing or your stomach is clenching. Maybe you feel small when you ask for the things that you want, or you have the urge to change the subject, or a feeling of wanting to let someone else make the decision and wanting to abandon your desire.
[00:21:50] So when those happen, instead of shutting it down, try to stay curious and try to understand why those things are happening.
[00:22:00] You can also reclaim your hunger through community.
[00:22:03] Community is nourishing.
[00:22:06] Spending time with your chosen family or building up your chosen family, if it doesn't exist quite yet, is so incredibly healing. It helps you to be seen and validated and celebrated.
[00:22:20] Remember that queer joy is so medicinal, it counteracts years of silence and self protection.
[00:22:30] Let people care for you because receiving requires vulnerability and that is so essential for healing hunger.
[00:22:41] So let's ground this in some practical tools, things that you can actually work with this week.
[00:22:47] First we're going to talk about mapping for safety. Because hunger expression requires environments where your body feels safe.
[00:22:57] So finding safe places, safe people, foods that feel grounding to you, and noticing foods that are more triggering.
[00:23:08] And then create a hunger permission list.
[00:23:13] This challenges the moralization around food and needs.
[00:23:19] This might be giving yourself permission to rest, permission to eat enough, or permission to eat fun foods. This is also permission to stop eating when you're full and it's also permission to eat again later.
[00:23:36] And you can add on to this list or take things away depending on what your needs are.
[00:23:43] Then try to reconnect with your desire. This helps you to build trust with yourself Again, think about what your choices would be if no one was watching or if no one was around.
[00:23:56] Start by making small choices like we were talking about earlier with picking a drink or picking a show, and then building your way up and pay Attention to what feels good to you.
[00:24:08] If something feels good, do it again. If something doesn't feel good, you don't have to do it again.
[00:24:15] Then focus on things that feel grounding to you. This will help re establish those hunger cues.
[00:24:23] So notice when the temperature around you shifts. Touch things that look like they feel soft or look like they might have an interesting texture.
[00:24:33] Also focus on your breath taking slow, deep inhales and exhales.
[00:24:39] Maybe notice what your strongest sensations are. Is it a certain smell? Maybe a feeling on your skin?
[00:24:49] Something you can taste in your mouth?
[00:24:52] Then try to be able to notice the difference between hunger and anxiety. Or maybe noticing if it's both of them present at the same time.
[00:25:02] But hunger and anxiety can feel very similar.
[00:25:07] And this last one is something that's, you know, can be a little controversial, but I think affirmations can be a huge help.
[00:25:17] Affirmations can be anything that you tell yourself, but it's really important for rewiring your brain and being able to shut down any sort of negative talk.
[00:25:28] So a couple examples of this are, my needs are valid.
[00:25:33] My hunger is safe.
[00:25:35] I don't have to shrink.
[00:25:37] My desires are not too much.
[00:25:41] All right, now that we've talked through some solid, grounded ways to start reclaiming your hunger, I want to circle back around to the tarot card, the eight of Pentacles Reverse.
[00:25:54] This card tends to come up when you're trying so hard to do the work.
[00:25:59] But the work is becoming another form of self control, another version of shrinking, another way of saying, I'll be allowed to have needs once I earn them. And babe, your needs are not something you earn. They're something you have.
[00:26:17] This card asks, are you improving yourself or are you avoiding yourself?
[00:26:23] Are you tinkering with yourself like a project, or actually feeding the parts of you that are starving?
[00:26:31] When we're afraid to want things, we often channel that fear into productivity, which can look like overworking, over focusing, over correcting, and suddenly we're perfecting our coping mechanisms instead of letting ourselves be human.
[00:26:51] So the eight of pentacles reversed is the reminder that you don't have to micromanage your healing to deserve fullness.
[00:26:59] It invites you into the bigger picture, into why you're healing in the first place, to feel more alive, more connected, more yourself.
[00:27:11] So if today's conversation stirred something in you, if you noticed places where you've been overworking, over editing, over performing your way towards safety, this card is offering you permission to take a breath, step back, loosen your grip.
[00:27:29] You don't have to hustle for your wholeness. You already have it.
[00:27:34] So as we head into the journal prompts, I want you to hold this card as your companion.
[00:27:41] Let your reflections be less about how do I fix myself and more about where can I soften?
[00:27:48] Where can I shift? Where can I choose nourishment instead of perfection?
[00:27:55] All right, so the journal prompts that I have for you are one.
[00:27:59] Where in your life were you first told you were too much?
[00:28:03] Who benefits from you staying small?
[00:28:07] To what does my body do when my needs feel dangerous? Do you shut down? Get smaller?
[00:28:15] Get louder?
[00:28:17] Mask, maybe?
[00:28:19] And three what are the earliest cues my body gives me when I'm hungry that I tend to miss or overlook?
[00:28:28] I want you to remember that healing takes time. It's unlearning survival patterns, but reclaiming hunger is really reclaiming yourself. So take one step at a time, one want at a time, one meal at a time. And remember that all forms of fullness are possible.
[00:28:52] And as you move through your week, notice where your hunger whispers and give it just a little more room to speak.
[00:29:06] Thanks for listening to this week's episode of Queers Against Diet Culture. Don't forget to rate, subscribe and share this podcast.
[00:29:13] Until next time. Remember, carbs are not the enemy, and neither is your beautiful body. See you next week.
